A few years ago, when a friend learned that we share a love for Warren Zevon, he told me that he wanted Zevon’s songs “I Have to Leave,” “My Ride’s Here,” and “Keep Me in Your Heart” played at his funeral—in that order. Not only did this conversation prompt me to think about what songs I’d like for my own curtain call, but my friend’s funeral mixtape plans also helped me understand that end-of-life planning doesn’t have to be an exercise in existential nihilism. Here’s how you can prepare yourself and your family for end of life—without feeling like you’re staring into the void.
What end-of-life planning do you need?
There are a few important documents and decisions you need to have in place for your end-of-life planning. These include:
Living will
When you can no longer make medical decisions for yourself, an advance directive gives guidance to your loved ones and medical team about what kinds of treatment you would prefer.
Typically, an advance directive includes a living will, which spells out which common medical treatments you would want, which you would like to avoid, and if there are any conditions that affect those choices.
Some of the types of medical care you may want to address in your living will include:
- CPR
- Breathing machine or ventilator
- Dialysis
- Feeding tube or artificial hydration
- Blood transfusions
- Surgery
The living will is also where you can indicate your preferences for organ donation.
There are a number of free online resources for creating your advance directive, such as CaringInfo, which will provide you with your state’s advance directive forms.
Power of attorney
In addition to a living will, you may choose to name a power of attorney (POA) to make decisions on your behalf for when you become incapacitated. Typically, a durable POA can make financial and medical decisions for you. However, some prefer to assign a separate medical POA to make healthcare decisions on your behalf, separate from financial ones.
You will also need to determine when the POA comes into effect. An immediate durable power of attorney is effective as soon as you sign it and remains in effect once you become incapacitated, whereas a springing durable POA comes into effect only after you’ve become incapacitated. Regarding a medical POA, estate attorneys often recommend sticking with an immediate rather than a springing POA since an event that incapacitates you may require quick healthcare decisions before the legalities have been completed.
For your POA, choose someone you trust to make choices that align with your values and wishes rather than someone who may make decisions based on their own grief or preferences.
Each state offers free POA forms. You can find your state’s form here.
Digital estate planning
We mere humans may only be mortal, but social media lives forever. Which is why your end-of-life plan needs to cover your digital estate.
Specifically, this means creating an inventory of all your digital assets, including:
- Social media accounts
- Email accounts
- Subscriptions
- Online banking and credit cards
- Utilities
- Shopping accounts
- Photo storage
- Cloud data for your devices
- Websites you maintain
- Cryptocurrency
- Any online intellectual property
You’ll want to make a list of login credentials for each digital asset. A safe way to do this is with a password manager. These services only require a single password to access your accounts, and they stay current with your passwords even if you change them.
With that inventory in place, you can designate a digital estate executor in your will and outline what you want to happen with each of your accounts. For example, would you want your social media accounts deleted or archived?
Unfortunately, even creating your digital inventory and estate may not be sufficient to access all your accounts. Some digital services may require you to use the service’s own tools for designating how the account will be handled after your death. Make sure you double-check with your most important accounts (including your email) to find out what the service provider requires.
Is there a way to make this . . . fun?
If reading through the above planning needs has you reaching for a bottle of Pepto Bismol (or worse), you’re not alone. Nearly 75% of Americans don’t have any kind of advance directive in place.
But just like ping-pong, end-of-life planning is improved with the addition of some friends and red Solo cups. In other words, the best way to make end-of-life planning something you actually complete is to turn it into a party.
One option is to throw a “death dinner”—a dinner party specifically to talk about death and making end-of-life plans. Death Over Dinner, which is the brainchild of Michael Hebb, provides potential hosts with reading material, a video, and a podcast to share with your dinner guests ahead of the meal. Together, you share memories of departed loved ones, talk about your fears, plans, and hopes, and learn more about your friends.
Alternatively, you could schedule a party for completing your planning forms together. After suddenly losing her mother in 2012, Amy Pickard developed the Good to Go party, which offers curated death-themed playlists and asks each guest to bring a potluck dish based on a loved one’s recipe. At the party, everyone works together to fill out their planning forms. With a playful sense of humor and some willing friends, you can create your own version of this kind of party.
Don’t fear the reaper
End-of-life planning combines two of the worst parts of modern life: legal paperwork and death. But taking seriously the need for an advance directive doesn’t mean the process has to be devoid of fun. You can create the needed living will, power of attorney, and digital estate plan during a celebration that you want.
And while you’re all together, don’t forget to ask your friends what song they want playing at their funeral. I recommend Warren Zevon’s “Lawyers, Guns, and Money.”