“Your body, my choice.” “Get back to the kitchen.”
Sexist and abusive posts directed at women have surged across social media since the election. At this point, I don’t care who you voted for. If you identify as a man, now is the time for you to step up.
Confrontation of other men for misogynistic, harassing, and sexist behavior may be the hardest part of allyship. Going against your gender’s long-standing bro code to promote an equitable and inclusive workplace is where the cost of allyship quickly gets real. David Smith and I call this putting some skin in the game when it comes to showing up as an ally. And we’re not letting you off the hook for not shutting this nonsense down hard when you hear it or see it.
Not sure what to say or do? In brief, the next time you hear or read, “Your body, my choice” or any other abusive, harassing comment directed at women, say:
“Not funny.”
“We don’t do that here.”
“You’ve just expressed hate speech, and I intend to hold you accountable.”
“I find that offense, and I don’t ever want to hear that again.”
Holding other men accountable for sexist and harassing words and other bro-code behavior is often less about precise wording and more about the in-group identity of the speaker, as I stated in a previous article I cowrote with David Smith.
“A confrontation intended to change attitudes and behavior has more impact when it comes from someone perceived to be similar—in this case, another man who can claim, ‘That’s not who we [men] are’ and ‘That’s not what we [guys] do.’”
We noted that men quite often fear they’re the only guy in the room who objects to a sexist comment or raunchy joke (though evidence shows lots of men are offended), so they stay silent when they could break the spell and enable other male allies to find their voice if only they’d speak up.
While the prospect of speaking up against transgressions can feel overwhelming, there are steps you can take to make it easier.
Employ the two-second rule
If the above call-outs don’t come to mind quickly, simply say “Ouch!” clearly and forcefully. This buys you a few extra seconds to formulate a clear statement about why the comment didn’t land well with you.
Share your story
Sharing authentically how bias or sexism was harmful to someone close to you can cause other men to do a double take, seeing their own behavior through a new lens.
Confront with care
A group of real allies can turn confrontation into a caring conversation. You don’t have to take the conversation to DEFCON 5, but you do have to make him understand how his behavior is hurting others, sabotaging his credibility, and why you care. Then, when he shows some gender awareness or an inclusive mindset, be sure to follow up with some positive reinforcement.
Confrontation demands that we overcome self-doubt, marshal courage, and vanquish anxiety about having our masculinity called into question. Trust us, when one male in the room calls this stuff out, other good (but silent) men often become unglued and join the cause.